I'm Ellis Cohen, the founder of For All of Us. I have a PhD in Computer Science from Carnegie Mellon University; my career as a computer scientist has been spent designing and architecting mechanisms and applications that allow people to collaboratively work together.
At the same time, I've had a lifelong interest in counseling, working through volunteer and personal growth organizations, starting with stints in my 20s as a VD counselor for a free clinic, and as a suicide prevention counselor. Post-retirement, I've been writing a book on How Apologies Go Badly, and leading workshops on how to prevent and recover from failed apologies.
I started working on For All of Us because I've become more and more troubled by the increasing polarization in the country, and the associated increase in righteousness and hostility. It affects my sleep and my psyche, and those of so many people I care about. And I don't believe it's good for the health of our country or of the world. We can argue that "they" started it, or exacerbated it, but it doesn't really matter. It's my calling, and I hope yours, to do what we can, starting from where we are now.
One can argue that Mitt Romney lost his bid for the presidency in part because he said that 47% of Americans were "takers;" similarly, Hillary Clinton similarly damaged her campaign by saying that half of Donald Trump's supporters belong in "a basket of deplorables". Their statements conveyed a judgment about other people that seemed, at least to some, to reflect some fundamentally dark, thoughtless, mean-spirited core part of their personality. It's a lesson for all of us, that if we want to increase our own ignorance and suffering, and the ignorance and suffering of the rest of the world, there's almost no better way to do that than by being judgmental. So if we are serious about the work of winning hearts and minds, it's essential to stop judging.
For example, the use of the terminology of white/male privilege and white/male fragility is useful and even illuminating to many of us. But for many others, the terminology sounds elitist and judgmental, and generates anger. There's a well-known Jewish joke that goes like this: Two Jewish laborers are talking about the trope that Jews control all the money in the world. One says to the other, "So, how come nobody ever told me where I could get my share?" Similarly, when the residents of small towns across the US, where there's widespread white male unemployment and opioid addiction, hear that they benefit from white male privilege, they ask the same question, "How come nobody ever told me where I can get my share?" And if they're told that their anger when hearing about white male privilege is a sign of their white male fragility, then we've compounded judgment upon judgment, and really lost them as potential allies.
Racism, sexism, antisemitism, homophobia, etc. have both blatant and subtle manifestations, and a constant barrage of microaggressions can cut as deeply as outright violence. In one sense, we are "right" in vocally calling people out for what can feel like their unconscious hurtful choices and relentless small acts of abuse. But pragmatically, it doesn't seem to be very effective. If you want the support of others, you're unlikely to get it by continually shaming them and making them wrong, however empowering it feels in the moment. Honestly, having to spend the time and effort to build bridges and partnerships to address inequality is just not fair; however, it seems to be what is necessary to be successful in the long term.
What can be achieved by listening and reaching out in addition to making our own voices heard? Think outside the box, and imagine this scene in a town like Ferguson: A joint parade where the marchers are police and black neighborhood residents. The residents hold signs that say Blue Lives Matter. The police hold signs that say Black Lives Matter. Imagine that this is the culmination of a broad-ranging agreement between the police and the neighborhood that includes joint trainings that will allow both residents and police to feel safer and to feel that they are working together for the common good. Is this possible? I don't know; I do believe that these are the kinds of visions that we need to hold and work towards.
The aim of the work of For All of Us is to create a mindset and culture in which all of us see that we are all working to create a better world for all of us. We do the essential groundwork by reaching across the divide and finding partners to work with. We don't need to agree with or support each other's beliefs or positions; we only need to understand and support each other's real unmet needs. We start by learning how to really listen to others, even when what they say conflicts with our deeply held beliefs, even when they believe things or jump to conclusions that we believe are completely wrong. If we can learn to listen to others without judgment, and without attempting to convince them that we are right, if we can realize that the aim of listening is to find connections and discover how we can work together to solve common problems, then we have the best chance of creating real change that will last.